Random Shots: Word Processing by Candlelight

— R.F. Kampfer

OPERATION IRAQI LIBERATION (they almost called it that):

Dubya has failed in his attempts to get India to send troops to help occupy Iraq. One can only wonder how Iraqi Moslems would have reacted to the presence of 17,000 Hindus and Sikhs.

Back when Iraq was part of the Persian Empire under Cyrus, he boasted that a virgin carrying a bag of gold could walk across the country unmolested. Boy George has a way to go. [Editor's Note: That was the sixth century BCE. People walked then. Really.]

Remember that Iraqi “children's prison” that was “liberated” during the war? Turns out that it was an orphanage, and the inmates were left to shift for themselves. Most of them are still missing.

It was Tenet's finest hour. Like the Secret Service, it's the duty of the CIA to throw itself between POTUS and a bullet, even when he shoots himself in the foot.

Bush doesn't mind losing a few troops every day, but its painful to see all those Hummers blown up. We know how much he cares for SUVs.

Remember those “gold” bars, $500 million worth, captured by the coalition? Turned out to be brass, recycled cartridges.

John L. Lewis said: “You can't mine coal with bayonets.” You can't pump oil with them either.

The good news is that the Big Blackout was not caused by terrorists. The bad news is that they didn't have to.

Bush says that we are all sinners, but some of us are much better at it than others.

California Dreaming

IN MICHIGAN THEY say that if you don't like the weather, just wait a few minutes. In the Bay Area you can just walk a few blocks.

It is illogical and unfair that San Francisco should combine so many great restaurants with so many slender people.

Terminator for governor? Schwarzenegger might want to remember Brando as an example of what happens when a body-builder stops working out.

The bumper crop of California Chardonnay has caused prices to be cut to the point where it's known on the block as “three-buck chuck.”

Choose Your Poison

CONCERNING THE DONUT boom, one reader points out that donuts may be substituting for cigarettes as stress relief in these tense times. “Reach for a sweet instead of a Lucky”?

How come the “Lord of the Rings” movies show us dozens of Hobbits, hundreds of Elves, thousands of Men and Orcs, but only one token Dwarf?

Tuna was first canned as an act of desperation one year when the sardine catch failed. All that potential sashimi wasted in sandwiches and casseroles.

When you meet young bald people these days, you can't help wondering if it's fashion or chemo.

ATC 106, September-October 2003