Random Shots: In Praise of Viagra Mania

— R.F. Kampfer

AN UNCONFIRMED RUMOR says that Bill Clinton will raise money for his legal bills by endorsing Viagra: “Take the Pill and Be Like Bill.”

A new and improved version of Viagra is being developed that comes in the form of a wafer. Only a total degenerate would think of the fun to be had by substituting these for communion wafers before Sunday Mass.

It's been reported that a side effect of Viagra is to cause eye-strain for some men. Can we do it until we need glasses?

The main problem with Viagra is that if you don't swallow it quickly, you get a stiff neck.

Past and Present

IT'S TOO LATE to put Pol Pot on trial for genocide in Cambodia, but Henry Kissinger is still available.

Roswell, New Mexico has long been a center of UFO activity. Did you know that it was mentioned as the site of a flying-saucer sighting in the July, 1950 issue of Weird Science, an EC comic book?

The names of Irishmen who collaborated with the British in suppressing the Rising of 1798 are still closely guarded secrets in the archives of Dublin Castle. It is expected that the descendants of these informers would be shunned by their neighbors if their ancestors were identified.

On a happier note, the Pighopper animal sanctuary is providing a refuge for 37 Vietnamese pot-bellied pigs. Their former owners, though apparently finding them too much trouble to keep as pets, were too sentimental to use them for meat.

The late punk-rocker Wendy O. Williams began her career at age six, as a tap dancer on the Howdy Doody show.

Now that Leonardo di Caprio has hit the big time, check him out playing with Sharon Stone in the faux-Fellini Western, “The Quick and the Dead.”

If you need to counteract all the hoopla about Frank Sinatra, check him out dragging a cannon across Spain in “The Pride and the Passion.”

Sick and Sicker

“THE END OF the Trail” was on the front of a get-well card that Kampfer got recently, which does not really seem appropriate for a cancer patient. [Get-well cards, appropriate or otherwise, may be sent to Kampfer c/o Against the Current—ed.]

After a few days in the hospital you find yourself lying passively, doing and thinking nothing. This must be what being an iguana is like.

A new virus has been implanted into Microsoft's Windows 98 program. Every time you log on, the screen reads “Bill Gates Sucks.” It will not proceed until you type in: “He Sure Do.”

Building a nuclear arsenal isn't going to do a thing for India, but it will be a status symbol—sort of like a trailer park resident getting a Sports Utility Vehicle or a satellite dish.

How many of us even knew that our pagers were hooked up to a satellite, before they all crashed? Who would think you could reach outer space with an AA battery?

Musings

ONE WOULD EXPECT a lot more controversy if Chrysler were being bought by Honda instead of Daimler. Maybe we'll get beer in the cafeteria now.

Coming out shouldn't damage Anne Heche's career. Some men see lesbians as a personal challenge: Half the male actors in Hollywood probably imagine that a few love scenes with them would make her switch over.

ATC 75, July-August 1998

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