Random Shots: Weird Sex and Boiled Bacon

— R.F. Kampfer

THE ERISIAN LIBERATION Front (it's safer not to know) is running the Antichrist for president in 2000. Their motto: “Why settle for the lesser evil?”

It's pointless to speculate about the Teletubbies, but Tinky-Winky has been nominated for grand marshall of the San Francisco Gay Pride parade.

The homophobes hate Xena as much as Ellen—but lesbians carrying broadswords get more respect.

Bill Clinton should have remembered his Sunday School lessons: “Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.” He should also have paid more attention to former Surgeon-General Joycelyn Elders.

History and Culture

THE AFRICAN-AMERICAN cowboy Bill Pickett is usually credited with inventing the rodeo sport of bulldogging. Suetonius, however, tells us that in the Roman arena, “Thessalian horsemen would chase wild bulls, grab them by the horns, and throw them to the ground.” Plus, they did it without stirrups.

One of Nero's few praiseworthy actions was expelling all the mimes from Rome.

Sigrid Undset's “Kristin Lavransdatter” series deals with a transitional period in Norwegian history, after they were Vikings but before they became social-democrats. Frans Bengtsson's “The Long Ships” contains an interesting chapter about Swedish anxiety over the approach of Y1K.

If it weren't for dope and guns, most North Americans would know nothing about the metric system.

Corned beef isn't really traditional in Ireland, but few Irish-Americans are ethnic enough to serve boiled bacon on St. Patrick's Day. [Editor's Note: According to Mitchel McLaughlin, national chairperson of Sinn Fein, speaking in Detroit on a U.S. tour, St. Patrick's Day in Ireland was traditionally a day of religious sobriety—and nobody in Ireland ever heard of green beer.]

More Sex?

A 1950s SEX education film, excerpted in the video “Heavy Petting,” tells us that horny teenage boys (a redundancy there) can be distracted by changing the conversation to sports. Women dealing with President Clinton might prefer to use a cheeseburger.

Real note from Monica to Bill: “. . . like one tastes a fine wine or good cigar—take it in, roll it in your mouth, and savor it!” Actually she was talking about Walt Whitman's poetry. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Words of Wisdom

IF WE MUST have hearing aids, couldn't they design one to look like a Sony Walkman?

“It's the second mouse that gets the cheese.” — Garrison Keillor

A note of advice to those student rioters in East Lansing (after Michigan State lost the basketball game): We can all sympathize with your methods. It's your goals that turn people off.

ATC 80, May-June 1999

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