Random Shots: Annals of Combat

— R.F. Kampfer

EVEN IF NADER were elected president, the multi-national corporations would be reluctant to give up their dictatorial power. That's when we bring out the rifles.

Sexual harassment is still a serious problem, but at least schoolgirls don't get their pigtails dipped into the inkwell anymore.

The U.S. Army is replacing the familiar overseas cap with a black beret, much to the annoyance of the Army Rangers who currently use that headgear. According to the New York Times, the overseas cap is also known as the envelope cap. That is not what we called it in the Army.

Plutarch tells us that women in proto-fascist Sparta enjoyed much more personal freedom than those in quasi-democratic Athens. He attributes this to the Spartan men spending so much time away at war.

Burning Questions

WHY COULDN'T THERE be some way for Bush to lose without Gore winning, or the other way around, or both, or something?

Why do they still call them steam rollers and steam shovels, when they're all diesels now?

Astronomers have discovered a 10th planet in the solar system. They are still debating over whether to call it Mickey or Goofy. Either way, it's going to screw up Mother Very Easily Made A Jelly Sandwich Using No Peanuts.

A domination-submission ritual practiced in some Japanese offices is to force new employees to drink beer out of senior executives' shoes.

With all due respect to the gay community, we would rather look at Jaye Davidson than John Goodman.

Sinking Ships

AFTER THE LONGEST count since the Dempsey-Firpo fight, whoever does come in second should get a bucket of chads as a consolation prize.

It's significant that a high-tech ship like the USS Cole was sunk by the aquatic equivalent of a Ryder truck.

Meow

KAMPFER'S LATEST ROUND of lymphoma is being treated with an antibody grown on genetically modified mouse tissue. It will be interesting to see how the cats react.

One Michigan deer hunter managed to get himself shot this season while trying to set up a picture of his dog holding his rifle. There may be something to eugenics after all.

Some of the most popular Xmas presents last year were movie action figures, ranging from Frank N. Furter to Fat Bastard. My favorite is Sally, from “Nightmare Before Christmas.” She's the kind of woman who'd give you an arm and a leg.

British soldiers during the Boer War got Christmas parcels containing woolen sweaters, scarves and mittens. The donors failed to realize that it was mid-summer in South Africa.

ATC 90, January-April 2001

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